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Gloomy Days

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Talking about the most remarkable event in those past 2 months, I’d say it’d be my exam and second place is Bible Vacation School. Why? Because they took most of my brain and heart. And here, I will tell you about them. I want to confess every bad thing I’ve done.

Uhmm.. I start from the exam time. Well, before that, you need to know I’m a twitter addict. (1st confession). Yeah, as you can guess, exam and twitter addict doesn’t go together. I mean, I know that during exam, I need to stay off from twitter and study seriously for my exam. During exam –that was held for a week- I decrease my twitter usage. But I still go online to some sites like facebook and so on. But this thing, decreasing my tweeting activities, was like a torment for me. (>.<) The day before the chemistry exam, I was just online and saw my twitter. My mind is already wandering about the time I finished my exam. So, I didn’t quite studying. Then… 규종came to TOK!TOK! (a place in SS501 official website to chat). @$#&! Great distraction! (>.<) ~Though he said something like “study hard for those who are having exam”, I’m not. I was totally distracted and after that, I was doing something about that (the TOK!TOK! message), either screen capturing or translating. I forget what. The point is I didn’t really study that night.

So I woke up the next morning, reviewing my lessons for chemistry. (Fyi, my body wasn’t feeling well that time too). I read and tried some of the question. Fail. I still cannot do those questions without looking at the notes. I went to campus after finished reading and doing a few questions. I arrived there about an hour early and started studying again. 12 o’clock, noon. That’s when the exam started. I flick through the paper.” Okay.. okay..I’ve seen this question… mm…”  That’s what I said in my mind when I looked the exam questions. Then, while I was doing the essay part, the one with calculation and stuff – not the MCQ ones-, I stuck. I forgot how I’m supposed to solve those questions. I just did the best I could; I tried to remember all I’ve studied in class. So I just wrote down what I remembered. I feel like I was “ngawur” (an Javanese term ~ I don’t know the English term for it). Once the exam time is up, I left the room feeling depressed and asking how were my friends doing didn’t help. My friends seemed to do the exam well. *sigh*

Later in the afternoon, my mom called and asked how my exam was.  At that time, I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m really depressed! Then sometime later (or a few days later ~can’t remember), my dad called and asked the same thing. Seriously!!! (>.<) I wasn’t in the mood if they talked and asked me about my exam! They wanted to know how I’m doing, but please, I know I’m going to fail that exam!!! Then what to say? “Dad, Mom, I think I’m going to fail…” huh? Then they would ask, “Why? How come? Didn’t you study?” then what? I would answer honestly? “I was trying, dad, mom, but I was playing internet all night. I admit I was tempted.” And before my parents could say anything I would say, “But I’ve tried my best to study. I prayed too, so God can help me study and put away all those temptation.” I imagined my dad would say this, “Danika, you know if you had a problem, you should tell us! Your parents could have helped you! When we asked you, you always say “okay”, “fine”. You didn’t tell us your problem. Now it’s too late!!!” I prepared an answer for that, “Well, when I think about it, dad, as I face a problem, I always think, “It’s my problem. I can solve it alone.” But when I realize I cannot solve it, then I tell you, and that’s already too late.

This is just what I thought. That conversation never happens.

Yeah, after my chemistry exam, I have my holidays. But my holidays weren’t fun at all. I was still burdened by my chemistry exam. My thought always remembers that I couldn’t do my exam. I always thought that I’m going to fail. I was really depressed. How bad? Ask my twitter friends! One day, I changed my avatar/profile picture to sad face. I tweeted some dreadful tweets. I still remember I tweet one like this, “suicidal thoughts”. Yeah, I thought about something that far. I thought about running away. (Because I am afraid to suicide).

However, I prayed a lot. I wanted to become closer to God. I thought a lot about life and death. (Still thinking about suicide and running away). I learn that the important thing is the life for the life itself. (Mat 6: 25-27) And about the faith that seeks God. I have thought this far. My mind was calmer by then. I was prepared for the worst. For example, I’m being taken back to Indonesia, then helping parents at home. Or I will just do whatever I can there in Indonesia, selling stuff, teaching, or just do any rough job. I don’t really care… My days passed, gloomy…

Then the Bible Vacation School fill my holiday. In Bible Vacation School, I’m helping and assisting to take care of the kids. There, during the lesson, my heart was touched. Mostly (almost every lesson) I learn something that strengthened me. Some that I remembered: (1.) God is a man. God knows our struggles too. God understand the pain that we feel. (2.) God is the Lord. He has the power and everything. Yes, everything! Those things that we worry are nothing to God. Thus, when we are God’s children, we shouldn’t worry. This Bible Vacation School has given me so much to learn.

Well, those dreadful days ended when I saw my result. I passed everything! Firstly, I seriously feel that “unbelievable moment”. For quite some time, I didn’t believe it and I was still scared. Then I know it was real, I was stunt for a few seconds. I was over the moon! Then when I returned to the earth, I was feeling like shouting. (But I couldn’t because it was about 12 midnight and everyone else was sleeping). So I was just jumping in my room and laughing. I tell everyone who was online at time that I pass (with full excitement). Then I called my parents. (Yes, it’s 12 at night calling people). LOL! I didn’t care much. I just want to spread my happiness. I want to let everyone feel my happiness too!

(to be continued to Happiest Moments in My Holiday)

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About da991s

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