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scared and frightened feeling / “GALAU dan GELISAH”

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Here again, I poured out my feelings…

I am feeling blue right now.

It happens, might be because of my fault.. well, maybe…

For months, I was just enjoying myself as a 1st year student in university. I study JUST ENOUGH to pass, JUST ENOUGH to complete all assignments. But I think, I DID NOT DO ENOUGH to study and give out my best. I DID NOT sacrifice my time and my own temporary will to STUDY!

I was conscious that what I did was wrong. But somehow, I just IGNORED it. I walk through the time IGNORING these WARNINGS inside my heart. I kept hearing things like “I should be studying right now” while I was playing facebook, browsing internet for some things that are NOT NECESSARY and NOT really IMPORTANT. My priority of studying was just disappearing in the wind.

But that VOICE IN MY HEART, kept echoing. But I kept ignoring. I kept postponing, I put off till the last days or even in the last hours. The VOICE IN MY HEART didn’t just say that I have to study, I also hear my parents and family far far away. I hear those preachings I heard before. But I put them seconds or thirds, I lowered those in my priorities. I gave out EXCUSES, which I tolerate, but actually those are nonsense and irrelevant and weak excuses. In other word, they were WRONG!

I prayed but just mere praying, I guess, because I kept ignoring. I cried, but just tears that wet my eyes and my cheeks, because after crying I kept doing those things.

~

Till this week came. Till THE LORD really called me back.

(ok, here… let me be just open and truthful and honest. So, if u think u might be hurt… just prepare urself!)

It was a Sunday. I was faced with 4 choices of activities to do after church.

  1. Go to kaotsun’s dance class (reason: she said she’s gonna record the 4minute-HUH, we (I) had been practicing.)
  2. Go to play sport with WPC Youth family (reason: I wanted to swim. -inspired by the commonwealth games-)
  3. Attend a SundaySchool teacher’s seminar (reason: I was interested to the preacher.)
  4. Go home and study for a test

So, I was struggling about these 4 choices. I’ve been thinking about this since Friday night! I even hadn’t decided until 11.30am -that is the time I have to leave the church if I want to go home, because the bus to go home left at 11.34am-.

At the end, I chose #3. Dunno why. Probably, by that time (11.30am) the lunch for the attendees of the seminar arrived. Probably, by that time, I decide myself that dancing wasn’t a good thing to do. Probably, by that time, I figured out that if I go for sport, I won’t be home till about 6-7pm and thus, I won’t have enough time to study.

So, yes. I did attend the seminar. It was fun, much laughter burst out during the seminar.

Then, the preacher also had another session, she will speak in the SundaySchool. So… I went there too! But in between, I went back home and took some of the notes I have to study for my test on the Monday. (I compromise this)

~

In the night, I was really thankful to the Lord! I felt like I made a good choice.

  1. About the dance class. My group didn’t do recording or what so ever!
  2. About the sport. It was raining so no one went out for swimming!
  3. About the study. I studied at church while waiting for the SundaySchool.
  4. About the seminar. I learned something and had fun.

~

Then, I felt THE LORD’s calling, like the real “discipline teaching”

11 My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline
and do not resent his rebuke, 12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father [b] the son he delights in.

-Proverb 3: 11-12-

I think I just better make it in a list… Those things that I felt like it is Lord’s DISCIPLINE TEACHING…

  • The test I’ve been talking about, I didn’t get good mark as expected. Why? The test wasn’t like what I expected at all! Then the lecturer defeat the students by giving out his comments from the students’ comments, that I can’t deny. (T.T) ;(
  • I found out, that I missed a Chemistry quiz! That means for that quiz, I got 0! ZERO!!! It is an online quiz. USUALLY, it run every 2 weeks, the online one and the paper submission one USUALLY take turn. So, like if this week is  online quiz, the next week will be paper tutorial that is submitted. But for that week, both were marked on the previous week! And I wasn’t aware of it, because I was so ignorant!
  • Another thing, when I was volunteering for nutrition research, after we have a discussion with the seniors, I heard 1 of them had a friend, who graduated from Nutrition major. She said that people who graduated from Nutrition hardly get a job. So her friend will take another few years in university to get a job. Then those people were talking about getting a dietitian degree. And you know what, this breaks my heart into pieces! When I heard that getting this job is hard, I was already sad. Getting a Dietitian degree just add another load of stress! Just getting into the Dietitian major is hard! There is only a few spots and it requires HIGH marks like 80ish! I cried because my marks are not up to 80s this semester. T.T
  • The AUD (Australian Dollar) is going up very high. It is a very heavy BURDEN for my parents. Especially my dad who is the only one making money in my family. It is not only me who’s taking up the money. There is my younger brother who’s studying in High school. My mom and my dad also need the money for their life too!
  • While I was trying to get organized, I found out that this coming week I will have lots of tests and the exam is coming soon! I haven’t prepare anything!

I felt so bad now. I felt I am so far away from God. I don’t know how to solve this.

I send a text message to my brother few days ago, saying I’m stressed. Then he replied “why?”. I didn’t answer back. I was so confused and stressed. I didn’t know how to share such big stress. Then later in the night, my mom called me. Yes! Literally calling from overseas! She asked me, why I am stressed. At that time, my heart just shattered. I didn’t tell her. I covered everything up while she was digging the reasons behind my text to my brother. I covered up. I said nothing’s happening. But I believe she knows something’s happening. (My mom and I can read minds)

~

So, here I am. Sad, confused, frightened and lost.

What can I do?

Here, I write it down and pouring it out.

Prayed.

Hoped that this won’t be just mere writing, mere tears and mere prayers.

~

p.s. thanks to you, who hear and listen to me.

I know there are people who hear and listen to me, without me knowing. Thank YOU!

To those people who replies and say something to me, Thank YOU very much!!! ♥

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About da991s

See ABOUT ME page! :P

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