*meeting some friends and acquintances* —> put up a brightest smile, acting fine and so on
*once alone* —> just letting the face curled up and all messed up
To be straight forward, I am sad and frustrated. I cried? Yes. Terribly. I was trying to think why I cried for thing I don’t really LOVE? Some thoughts popped up.
The feeling of RESPONSIBILITY. I had given the responsibility of this thing to take care. Once I failed to do so, I cried. I cried because I cannot fulfil my responsibility and promise to the one who gave me the responsibility.
The SENSE of BELONGING of the thing. I had feeling of what I have. Once I cannot keep it save, I cried. I cried because I cannot take care of it well, that I lost it.
So then, the frustration had its toll on me.
Self harm…. I can understand it somehow. Those who did it, might think that the physical pain just cannot be compared to the deep hurt inside their heart and thoughts.
Suicide… I somehow put some thoughts to those who did it. Those who did it probably just want to end what frustrate and depress them. They couldn’t recall and feel what has been good… what good things they have with them… and also the chance… as well as the future that might be better than the current condition.
So why cry?
Crying… I think crying can help to throw away and let the depression flow away. Crying can also get people’s attention. Then help can come. But on me… right now… I don’t want anyone to know… This is too embarassing.
(who thinks making mistakes not embarassing???) I am too embarassed to say things and let people see my bad side.
So I cried. I cried out of frustration. Cry… the one thing I can do….