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[Reflection] – Solitary, for how much?

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I realised that I am a cold person. My dad and friend said so. But then, what can I do?

I reflect on myself. I am a person who is easily scared to make mistakes, scared to experience new things. Well I can face hardship, just if I have to, when I have no other option.

I grew a little courage to face new challenges. But to those small things, I have been ignoring them for so long that I get used to it. I am afraid to meet strangers. I’d rather not say anything then saying wrong words that can hurt people. I hate to hurt other. I am afraid to bother other people. I’d prefer to do my own things alone than I have to make people spend their time to help me. I continuously do this. I thought that this way no one would get hurt.

But actually, no one gets hurt doesn’t mean everybody’s happy. In the end, not talking to other people makes people think I’m arrogant and unapproachable. Not asking for help ended up making a bigger mess that troubles other people more.

Crazy. It’s crazy, isn’t it? One’s trying to do good but ended bad. But what can I do now? This has been my character that I grew up with.

What’s even worse is that when I ended up in those terrible situations, I thought I had to do better on my own. I have work harder that I should not bother other people anymore. I grew up an isolation that I tried to live in my own world. Furthermore, I even thought that it is those people that have to approach me first because I have this character. It is them who ‘need’ me that have to approach me. I then found it really hard at times when it is me that need other people. It’s hard to ask for other people’s help. I cannot communicate well with other people.

As I grew older, I started to realise that I also need other people. I need to make friends and stuff. I need to be friendly and not ignorant about my social surrounding. I start to get a revelation when I saw that people need networks to help to gain their success. I realised I was wrong. I was wrong on the thought I can do it, alone. I can stay alive alone without making much relationship with many people.

But what can I do now? It has been a character that I planted since I was young. I don’t know what to do now. I know I’m wrong but I’m frustrated that I cannot do anything to make it up. Stupid.

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