Have you ever hurt a part of your body? Like for example you hit yourself to a table? It’s painful, right? When that happened, what did you do? When that happen to me, when it hurts so much, I hurt another part of myself to lessen the pain. I bit my lips or my tongue or pinch myself so that the first pain doesn’t feel that painful because the pain I created is more powerful. Because the body will focus more on the most painful one, I will sort of ignore the first pain until it goes away. I don’t know how to say this in a simpler way but I hope you understand what I was trying to say.
Now, my heart hurts so much. I lost my hope. I don’t have any goal or plan. I feel so terrible. I was wrong, I made mistakes, I’ve sinned and I couldn’t come back. I feel I have nowhere to go. I feel so lost.
There was a saying “I live because I’m not dead yet.”
My heart hurts so much. It is so true that having hope and faith is the most important thing of all. So, now when I lost my hope and my goal, I feel like I don’t have the reason to live. I thought of ending my life. I thought, just thought. But I find it funny. When I was little, I couldn’t understand why people commit suicide. It is so funny remembering it back. I thought it is such a waste of life if people just kill themselves. It would be better if they just work and use their energy for something else rather than taking their own life. If they are so depressed about something, just go away from it and just use their body for something else more useful. I thought committing suicide was a stupid thing. Those are my thoughts when I was little. I laughed. I laughed because now I understand about the thought of suicide. I laughed because my own thought held me from committing one.
And so i don’t want to die for such thing. I know this is stupid. I know. I have this faith in God. I believe Him. And so I know that if I’m not dead yet, God is giving me a chance to repent from my sin. I know. But for some reason, I find it so hard to go back and repent. I am strangled and tangled in a problem and I feel like I could never be freed. I … was thinking to forget this chance of turning back.
This pain. I am emotionally wounded. And it hurts so much. So much that I was thinking to hurt myself physically. I want to hurt myself until it surpasses the pain in my heart. I also was thinking to run away and look away in order to forget this pain. But it is still here, the pain… Even when I run away, it’ll come back. Even when I look away, it’ll still be there.
This pain, I sort of know, it needed to be healed. It need to be touched and treated. Like a wound when someone fall, it needs to be treated with alcohol to prevent infection. It might hurt to be treated but once it’s treated it will heal.
So… now… I wish to be treated… I wish it will heal…