Yesterday night, I have been feeling gloomy and stressed. Actually it has been for days. And it is still there.
I have been scared of my result. I feel I didn’t study well for my last exam. I didn’t feel I did the exam well. That feeling has been lingering all the way, but I tried to push it away. So here I am a few days until the result is revealed. The feeling came back and it is grabbing my heart tight. I really hoped that I could pass, but that feeling of me not doing the exam well just cannot set me free. I need to pass my exam so I can pass the unit. This is my second time doing the unit, if I fail it again it’s done, I am terminated from my course. If it does happen, I really don’t know where I am going to go. I wish I could just throw away everything and start everything from zero, from scratch, from the very bottom. But I couldn’t. I have reached this far not alone, but with some help here and there. I cannot throw away everything, I owe people from helping me and so I cannot leave them watching me falling.
I prayed. I prayed again. And again. I prayed to my God who is glorious, loving and forgiving. I prayed if he could let me pass my unit. He is the owner of all, He has the power to do anything. He is just yet kind. I was trying to feel the assurance, when I read my devotion this morning. All humans fall short of the law, thus He sent His Son to made it up, so everyone who believes will be saved by their faith. I really wish my God could save me with my education too. I fell short, and I hope He could save me.
So tonight, I need some comfort. Just like the one I saw in the drama Cinderella Step-sister. Where Hyo Seon put her trust in Ki Hoon. On the first episode she said this to Ki Hoon when she got into trouble losing one’s ring:
“If you say the moon is square, I think it is.
If you say salt is sweet and candy is salty, I probably drink salt water and spit out the candy.”
“Because you said I would find that ring, I don’t think I lost it.”
– Hyo Seon, Cinderella Step Sister ep 1.
Then she said it again somewhere in the middle or near the end of the drama, she asked Ki Hoon to say everything is going to be ok. Because in her mind, she trusts what Ki Hoon says.
It is that kind of comfort I wish I had. That time Ki Hoon didn’t say everything is going to be alright but he said that they can work something out. It is this kind of saying I wish to hear. Saying there is going to be a way out of this problem.
Tell me that it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be fine. There is a solution.
Just stay beside me. I think it would be enough….
“Tonight, I’m afraid of being alone.”
“Today I’m just not strong at all
I just want to listen to the lullabies you sing for me”
I’ll finish this with a cute video of Ric-Syung moment…
내 옆에 있어,좀… (Stay by my side, please…)