This time last year, I was going back to Indonesia. I was going back because I finished my college/ high school. I ended it well. I’d studied and worked hard for it. So, I was so excited and so did my parents. My parents just couldn’t wait any longer and decided to pick me up themselves in the airport. It wasn’t a smooth meeting. My plane was delayed, my parents’ car got stuck in the journey on the way to pick me up, etc. But in the end, when we met, we were so happy inspite those obstacles.
Now, this year I am going back too. I am going to end my first year in university. I wonder if it will be the same. Do my parents still miss me? Well, to be honest, this year I study for my university less. I wasted my time and money (my parents’ money) for something less worthy. Yes, I am regretting all this. Sort of. I was trying to satisfy myself with other things. I probably lied to my parents about how much time I spent on studying. Now, I felt so sorry about it. I just did my exam, I am afraid I am going to fail it, just because my brain was already poisoned. My brain hasn’t been filled with all good things through the year. I’ve turned really bad.
I should thank God for his mercy. Without it, I must have messed up everything. Now, I give an example; how can a student slept in lectures, did the homework minutes before it is submitted, studied for the test a few hours before the test still get an 8? I should not be boasting or be happy about this, should I?
I don’t want to fail. So I prayed and begged so I can pass. I gave out and tried my best for the exam. Yet I still couldn’t do well. I have tried. But mostly I failed resisting the temptations. Now, if I fail the unit, it should be fair?
This time, it’s too late. What I felt is ashamed and guilty. When I look at this now, I shouldn’t waste anything that God and my parents gave me. They have been so nice and lovely to me but I didn’t care and pursue what I want. I should have realised and really understand and grasp the sayings “human will never feel satisfied”. I don’t know. I am confused sometimes –until now-. (Well, it is a different matter. I’ll talk about it in another time.)
Okay, let’s go back to my question “Do my parents still miss me?” With all these stories I’ve told you, do you think my parents will still welcome me back like before? I doubt. Firstly, it’s because of these matters. Secondly, it’s only less than a year. For me now, going back to Indonesia is not so much an excitement. It also has a worry and a fear and a shame. I don’t dare to see my parents with bringing the news I failed. I don’t have the heart to disappoint my parents again.
But honestly, I really missed them. You know, living without your family around is tough. You lived with other people, with very different way of thinking and a very different way of expressing their feelings. It is hard. And so, I really miss my family and the way we get together. You may think it is silly, but I really missed the way my dad got angry with me. When I was a child, my dad got angry. But he explains the reasons, he explained what he wanted me to do. When I was a child, when my dad finished his “lecture”, few minutes later, he would apologize. I missed those times. Now, as I grow up, he will just say his opinion and his way of solving the problem. He won’t get angry and explodes. He said I’m all grown up. He will say it straight forward. And I like that.
But don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to get scolded by my parents though. It is painful. 😦 I just love my parents so much.