When my heart wonder

When I looked at people around me,

I looked at people who are having fun with their friends, I want to be like that. I want friends who always make me happy. But when I looked at myself, I don’t have anyone to be together with for most of the time.

I looked at those very talented people, I want to be known for my talent. I want to be like them. But I don’t see any talent on me that I can work out.

When I looked at God,

God is almighty.

God is so great.

God is holy.

God is full of wisdom.

God is very loving.

When I looked at myself,

I am bad and useless. God has given so much, yet I still want more. I want to be like people around me. Yet what I can do, what I should do, is to thank God by giving my best with what is given to me, my time, energy, health, and love from God. Then spread it to those around me.

The question is, can I do it? Can I look up to God only and do it? How if I tripped along the way?

This far, I have fallen so much and so bad. I wonder if I still can do it? If I can still walk on the right track and do it.

Will my parents still miss me like last time?

This time last year, I was going back to Indonesia.  I was going back because I finished my college/ high school. I ended it well. I’d studied and worked hard for it. So, I was so excited and so did my parents. My parents just couldn’t wait any longer and decided to pick me up themselves in the airport. It wasn’t a smooth meeting. My plane was delayed, my parents’ car got stuck in the journey on the way to pick me up, etc. But in the end, when we met, we were so happy inspite those obstacles.

Now, this year I am going back too. I am going to end my first year in university. I wonder if it will be the same. Do my parents still miss me? Well, to be honest, this year I study for my university less. I wasted my time and money (my parents’ money) for something less worthy. Yes, I am regretting all this. Sort of. I was trying to satisfy myself with other things. I probably lied to my parents about how much time I spent on studying. Now, I felt so sorry about it. I just did my exam, I am afraid I am going to fail it, just because my brain was already poisoned. My brain hasn’t been filled with all good things through the year. I’ve turned really bad.

I should thank God for his mercy. Without it, I must have messed up everything. Now, I give an example; how can a student slept in lectures, did the homework minutes before it is submitted, studied for the test a few hours before the test still get an 8? I should not be boasting or be happy about this, should I?

I don’t want to fail. So I prayed and begged so I can pass. I gave out and tried my best for the exam. Yet I still couldn’t do well. I have tried. But mostly I failed resisting the temptations. Now, if I fail the unit, it should be fair?

This time, it’s too late. What I felt is ashamed and guilty. When I look at this now, I shouldn’t waste anything that God and my parents gave me. They have been so nice and lovely to me but I didn’t care and pursue what I want. I should have realised and really understand and grasp the sayings “human will never feel satisfied”. I don’t know. I am confused sometimes –until now-. (Well, it is a different matter. I’ll talk about it in another time.)

Okay, let’s go back to my question “Do my parents still miss me?” With all these stories I’ve told you, do you think my parents will still welcome me back like before? I doubt. Firstly, it’s because of these matters. Secondly, it’s only less than a year. For me now, going back to Indonesia is not so much an excitement. It also has a worry and a fear and a shame. I don’t dare to see my parents with bringing the news I failed. I don’t have the heart to disappoint my parents again.

But honestly, I really missed them. You know, living without your family around is tough. You lived with other people, with very different way of thinking and a very different way of expressing their feelings. It is hard. And so, I really miss my family and the way we get together. You may think it is silly, but I really missed the way my dad got angry with me. When I was a child, my dad got angry. But he explains the reasons, he explained what he wanted me to do. When I was a child, when my dad finished his “lecture”, few minutes later, he would apologize. I missed those times. Now, as I grow up, he will just say his opinion and his way of solving the problem. He won’t get angry and explodes. He said I’m all grown up. He will say it straight forward. And I like that.

But don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to get scolded by my parents though. It is painful. 😦 I just love my parents so much.

Tekanan

Tekanan hidup.

Hari itu sepertinya merupakan hari yang sangat mengesalkan. Yah, banyak hal yang memenuhi pikiranku. Masalahnya cukup penting buatku dalam arti, persoalan itu menempati posisi prioritas yang cukup tinggi. Akibatnya seharian penuh aku tak dapat berkonsentrasi dengan apa yang seharusnya aku lakukan/kerjakan. Apa yang harus kulakukan itupun menumpuk, menambah bebanku.

Aku tidak ingin menumpahkan segala kekesalan di hatiku karena masalah itu. Pertama, karena menurutku itu sebenarnya bukan masalah yang besar. Kedua, apakah gunanya kalau aku banyak bicara dan membahas masalah seperti itu? Yang aku ingin bagikan adalah pelajaran yang aku dapat setelah masalah itu teratasi dan tertangani. (Aku bisa berpikir secara jernih ketika semua itu telah berlalu.)

Menurutku, masalah itu membuat kita menjadi kuat dan terlatih dalam menjalani hidup ini. Saat aku merenungkan ini, nasehat orang tuaku selalu terngiang di kepalaku. Ayahku berkata, sejak manusia itu lahir, manusia harus bekerja keras. Tidak ada sesuatu hal yang dengan mudah di dapat. Semua itu perlu usaha dan kerja keras dan ketekunan. Ibuku juga pernah menuliskan surat ketika aku sedang menghadapi masalah, ia berkata bahwa hidup itu seperti sebuah permainan dimana masalah dan tantangan hidup itu akan memberikan poin-poin tertentu. Jadi, setiap kali, kita harus memberikan yang terbaik agar kita mendapatkan poin yang maksimal. Dan kalaupun kita gagal atau masalah itu tidak berakhir dengan baik, kita masih mendapatkan poin juga. Poin -poin itu akan terakumulasi dan bisa digunakan di tantangan tahap selanjutnya.

(aku hanya membagikan nasehat orang tuaku saja ya? *bodoh*)

Kali ini, aku bisa berkata bahwa masalahku ini sepele. Seandainya aku bisa lebih tertib dan teratur dalam berbagai aspek dalam hidupku, maka masalah ini sebetulnya dan seharusnya tidak perlu terjadi. Tetapi karena aku menyepelekan hal-hal kecil dalam kedisiplinan, maka masalah ini menimpaku sebagai didikan Tuhan untuk mendisiplinkanku.

Sekarang (ketika aku menuliskan ini) ada pertanyaan muncul di benakku, mengapa ketika aku merasakan sakit karena sesuatu (baik yang memang karena disakiti orang lain atau maupun karena memang seharusnya aku dihardik karena kesalahanku sendiri) aku justru meningkatkan kekebalan. Aku butuh dosis yang lebih parah untuk membuatku “ngeh” (sadar) kalau itu salah, kalau itu perlu diperbaiki. Tidak enak memang. Tapi aku merasa aku dilahirkan seperti ini. Aku tidak bisa mengubah kecenderunganku untuk mengembangkan kekebalan terhadap teguran atau didikan atau hal-hal yang menyakitkan. Aku akan merasa sakit sebentar lalu rasa sakit di hati itu akan menghilang cepat seiring berjalannya waktu (yang cepat).

Menurutmu, apakah aku aneh?

(Jawab dengan jujur, tak perlu basa basi itu, tak perlu munafik itu! Bukankah kau sudah membaca, kalau aku bisa mengembangkan kekebalan terhadap bahasa yang menyakitkan nan frontal!? Aku suka kejujuran dan keterbukaan.)