Me – no talent, nothing special on me

I have spent 19 years living on earth but I felt I’m going nowhere. By this time, I saw many people had used their talents really well. But somehow, I haven’t found mine yet. Somehow, I don’t know what I am good at. I don’t really know what my passion really is. I have stepped on studying Nutrition due to the pressure of going to university. Well, actually it was an Indonesian culture that you go to university as soon as you graduate high school if your parents can support you to –and my dad can-.

But here I am. I felt bad. I saw many talented people showing off and using their talents really well. Some might not be really good, but they have passion on something and they work hard on it. Me? Nothing.

I feel like I have searched here and there. I like this and that. But I never stay long on something in particular. I am the type that can do things but not really good on them. I am the type when hardships come I go away. I can stay there long enough if there are things that made me hang on to it and won’t let it go or cannot let me go.

So now, I will just walk and go on, empty handed. Just walk and see people with something. Scatter the pieces of my heart that is broken, torn by jealousy. Howl the pain no one would hear.

How I’ve fallen for Kim Kyu Jong

I was awake this morning like 2am and couldn’t sleep afterward. I tried to study for half an hour. Then somehow I felt like writing this.

♥

The very root of what makes me love SS501 may be traced back since I first get to know Asian dramas. The first Asian drama I watched was probably “Oshin” a Japanese drama. But back then I was about 3 years old and know nothing. The drama that captured me was this “Meteor Garden”, a Taiwanese drama. It was so damn popular back then. I was still in primary school about year 5 maybe. Back then my parents still put on a lot of control over me, so I couldn’t watch that drama thoroughly. It was aired like 9 or 10pm and that time I had to go to bed. So how did I watch? I sneaked and find excuses to get out of my room and watch the TV. Well, they weren’t that successful. But I know the storyline from magazines, news and from my friends at school! From there, I start loving and watching Asian dramas (if I could).

Then how did KPop came into me? Well, once again a little surroundings influence caused it to happen. That time, Boys Over Flower, a Korean drama, became so popular. Well, at first I actually don’t really pay much attention because Boys Over Flower has similar storyline to Meteor Garden. In my opinion, I thought I already know the story so why bother watching the same thing again. (P.S: I didn’t watch the Japanese Version of Meteor Garden too, ie Hana Yori Dango). But there were so many people were talking about it, so at the end I got carried away by those people and watched it on my summer holiday (ie Dec-Jan holiday). Somehow, I loved it!

This time after watching the drama, I fall for Yoon Ji Hoo. As I have the capability to search him out. (Previously, in Indonesia I rarely search an actor or actress or anything about the drama because I rarely get internet connection.) So, as I searched for “Yoon Ji Hoo” in the search engine, it gave out “Kim Hyun Joong”. When I searched “Kim Hyun Joong”, SS501 also appears. 1^st attractive point! He is a singer as well. This made me even more curious about him. I wanted to see him perform and sing. Thus, I searched him in youtube. Then it was my first time seeing Kyu Jong.

At first, when I watched SS501 MVs, I was so confused. Who is who??? I looked again and again to know which one is Kim Hyun Joong, which one is Heo Young Saeng, which one is Kim Kyu Jong, which one is Park Jung Min and which one is Kim Hyung Jun. Well, my first impression of the group was “a typical Asian singer group” “their song is okay” blablabla. The point is I wasn’t really into it (just yet). But also I found out that this group is really confusing! There is kim hyun joong and kim hyung jun! When I type Kim Hyung Jung in a search engine, Kim Hyun Joong show up. Even (that time) I saw this “Did you mean Kim Hyun Joong?” T.T that time I felt sorry for Kim Hyung Jun. Then the 2^nd confusing bit. In Love Like This MV (the 1^st SS501 MV I watched), I couldn’t differentiate Kim Hyun Joong and Kim Kyu Jong. (>.< Aargh…) That time I felt, why Kim Hyun Joong is so confusing?

Therefore, I searched him and SS501 more often. I watched their clips in youtube. On the mid sem 1 break, I watched Thank You For Waking Us Up. This reality show made me fall for Kim Kyu Jong. (By this time I was already able to differentiate and recognize each member.) He’s a really nice and sweet person. He’s diligent and hard working. His shyness also made me liked him more. As I had fallen for him, now I searched Kyu Jong more than Hyun Joong. I found out many things that made me loved him even more.

Even though Kyu Jong couldn’t dance as good as Hyun Joong nor can he sing better than Young Saeng, not as outgoing and cheerful as Jung Min or not cute like Hyung Jun, I loved him the most. (No offense to other members and fans, it’s just my feeling.)

~*~

I might emphasize more if you want me to.

SS501 -always and forever-

Hello! ^^ It has been a long time since I wrote about SS501 or Korean things. Today, I will write the news so far.

1. KyuJong and Young Saeng have got a new management agency.

After so long the last 2 members finally signed with B2M Entertainment.

http://www.b2ment.com

Making it all SS501 members already have management agency and so they return to their  music and entertainment activities. TripleS, please remember to support SS501 members individual activities too, ok?

2. Kim Hyun Joong finally finished shooting for “Mischievous Kiss”

Right! Tomorrow 21 Oct 2010 will be the last episode of Mischievous Kiss. After months of hard work,our leader Kim Hyun Joong finally finishes his shooting activity for the drama. Though the drama didn’t received high ratings, Triple S and Kim Hyun Joong fans everywhere are showing their love by watching and downloading the drama.

3. SS501 comeback!!!

Serious!? I’d say yes! This is the latest and most exciting news I heard today. According to Kim Hyung Joon, SS501 will comeback in 2011.

4.Triple S power + HeoYoungSaeng’s Birthday projects

Heo Young Saeng ‘s birthday projects:

• Twitter trending project (under planning) http://twitpic.com/2yykej
  Deadline for voting: 23 Oct 2010 5.01pm KST
• Birthday messages to be made in video (via https://twitter.com/AllAbout_SS501) :  http://mei-ss501.blogspot.com/2010/10/message-for-young-saengs-birthday.html Deadline sending in the messages: 28 Oct 2010
  
• Birthday messages posted to DSP website (via TripleChangjoIndo forum) http://z6.invisionfree.com/TripleChangjo_Indo/index.php?showtopic=7137Deadline posting messages: 3 Nov 2010

Other projects:

• Triple S pledge video: http://twitpic.com/2yhse1 the pledge: http://i447.photobucket.com/albums/qq196/MagicManula/SS501/triplespledgedone.jpg
  

If you want to send gifts or letters to our SS501 members:

http://ss501youremyheaven.wordpress.com/where-to-send-letters-and-gifts-to-ss501/

~*~

scared and frightened feeling / “GALAU dan GELISAH”

Here again, I poured out my feelings…

I am feeling blue right now.

It happens, might be because of my fault.. well, maybe…

For months, I was just enjoying myself as a 1st year student in university. I study JUST ENOUGH to pass, JUST ENOUGH to complete all assignments. But I think, I DID NOT DO ENOUGH to study and give out my best. I DID NOT sacrifice my time and my own temporary will to STUDY!

I was conscious that what I did was wrong. But somehow, I just IGNORED it. I walk through the time IGNORING these WARNINGS inside my heart. I kept hearing things like “I should be studying right now” while I was playing facebook, browsing internet for some things that are NOT NECESSARY and NOT really IMPORTANT. My priority of studying was just disappearing in the wind.

But that VOICE IN MY HEART, kept echoing. But I kept ignoring. I kept postponing, I put off till the last days or even in the last hours. The VOICE IN MY HEART didn’t just say that I have to study, I also hear my parents and family far far away. I hear those preachings I heard before. But I put them seconds or thirds, I lowered those in my priorities. I gave out EXCUSES, which I tolerate, but actually those are nonsense and irrelevant and weak excuses. In other word, they were WRONG!

I prayed but just mere praying, I guess, because I kept ignoring. I cried, but just tears that wet my eyes and my cheeks, because after crying I kept doing those things.

~

Till this week came. Till THE LORD really called me back.

(ok, here… let me be just open and truthful and honest. So, if u think u might be hurt… just prepare urself!)

It was a Sunday. I was faced with 4 choices of activities to do after church.

1. Go to kaotsun’s dance class (reason: she said she’s gonna record the 4minute-HUH, we (I) had been practicing.)
   
2. Go to play sport with WPC Youth family (reason: I wanted to swim. -inspired by the commonwealth games-)
3. Attend a SundaySchool teacher’s seminar (reason: I was interested to the preacher.)
4. Go home and study for a test

So, I was struggling about these 4 choices. I’ve been thinking about this since Friday night! I even hadn’t decided until 11.30am -that is the time I have to leave the church if I want to go home, because the bus to go home left at 11.34am-.

At the end, I chose #3. Dunno why. Probably, by that time (11.30am) the lunch for the attendees of the seminar arrived. Probably, by that time, I decide myself that dancing wasn’t a good thing to do. Probably, by that time, I figured out that if I go for sport, I won’t be home till about 6-7pm and thus, I won’t have enough time to study.

So, yes. I did attend the seminar. It was fun, much laughter burst out during the seminar.

Then, the preacher also had another session, she will speak in the SundaySchool. So… I went there too! But in between, I went back home and took some of the notes I have to study for my test on the Monday. (I compromise this)

~

In the night, I was really thankful to the Lord! I felt like I made a good choice.

1. About the dance class. My group didn’t do recording or what so ever!
2. About the sport. It was raining so no one went out for swimming!
3. About the study. I studied at church while waiting for the SundaySchool.
4. About the seminar. I learned something and had fun.

~

Then, I felt THE LORD’s calling, like the real “discipline teaching”

¹¹ My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline
and do not resent his rebuke, ¹² because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father ^[b] the son he delights in.

-Proverb 3: 11-12-

I think I just better make it in a list… Those things that I felt like it is Lord’s DISCIPLINE TEACHING…

• The test I’ve been talking about, I didn’t get good mark as expected. Why? The test wasn’t like what I expected at all! Then the lecturer defeat the students by giving out his comments from the students’ comments, that I can’t deny. (T.T) ;(
• I found out, that I missed a Chemistry quiz! That means for that quiz, I got 0! ZERO!!! It is an online quiz. USUALLY, it run every 2 weeks, the online one and the paper submission one USUALLY take turn. So, like if this week is  online quiz, the next week will be paper tutorial that is submitted. But for that week, both were marked on the previous week! And I wasn’t aware of it, because I was so ignorant!
• Another thing, when I was volunteering for nutrition research, after we have a discussion with the seniors, I heard 1 of them had a friend, who graduated from Nutrition major. She said that people who graduated from Nutrition hardly get a job. So her friend will take another few years in university to get a job. Then those people were talking about getting a dietitian degree. And you know what, this breaks my heart into pieces! When I heard that getting this job is hard, I was already sad. Getting a Dietitian degree just add another load of stress! Just getting into the Dietitian major is hard! There is only a few spots and it requires HIGH marks like 80ish! I cried because my marks are not up to 80s this semester. T.T
• The AUD (Australian Dollar) is going up very high. It is a very heavy BURDEN for my parents. Especially my dad who is the only one making money in my family. It is not only me who’s taking up the money. There is my younger brother who’s studying in High school. My mom and my dad also need the money for their life too!
• While I was trying to get organized, I found out that this coming week I will have lots of tests and the exam is coming soon! I haven’t prepare anything!

I felt so bad now. I felt I am so far away from God. I don’t know how to solve this.

I send a text message to my brother few days ago, saying I’m stressed. Then he replied “why?”. I didn’t answer back. I was so confused and stressed. I didn’t know how to share such big stress. Then later in the night, my mom called me. Yes! Literally calling from overseas! She asked me, why I am stressed. At that time, my heart just shattered. I didn’t tell her. I covered everything up while she was digging the reasons behind my text to my brother. I covered up. I said nothing’s happening. But I believe she knows something’s happening. (My mom and I can read minds)

~

So, here I am. Sad, confused, frightened and lost.

What can I do?

Here, I write it down and pouring it out.

Prayed.

Hoped that this won’t be just mere writing, mere tears and mere prayers.

~

p.s. thanks to you, who hear and listen to me.

I know there are people who hear and listen to me, without me knowing. Thank YOU!

To those people who replies and say something to me, Thank YOU very much!!! ♥

Doa di saat tertekan

Tuhan, Engkau tahu keterpurukanku.

Engkau tahu keburukanku dan kekuranganku.

Ku meninggalkan-Mu untuk hal-hal duniawi yang tak berharga.

Yang tak sebanding dengan yang kau tawarkan.

Aku pergi menjauh ketika kau berusaha untuk memanggilku kembali.

Aku menjadi kotor dan rusak.

Aku menjadi seperti dunia yang jahat ini.

Aku dikuasai dunia ini.

~

Hingga satu titik, Tuhan menghardik ku

Tuhan membuatku menyadari kesalahanku.

Ketika aku ingin berbalik, keinginan duniawiku mengekangku

dosa telah menjeratku sedemikian rupa

Aku sendiri tak kuasa melawan keinginan diriku sendiri.

Dengan pengetahuan bahwa aku salah,

aku tetap melakukan hal-hal itu.

~

Aku sadar bahwa dengan kekuatanku sendiri,

aku tak mampu melawan godaan.

Aku membutuhkan Engkau, Tuhan.

Aku berdoa dan memanggil-Mu,

memohon pertolongan-Mu.

~

Aku mendengar suara-Mu

Aku mendengar tuntunan-Mu untuk meninggalkan semua itu.

Namun aku masih tergoda dan menetap dalam lumpur dosa.

~

Tuhan “mendidik”-ku dengan keras.

Kini hatiku hancur.

Kasih Tuhan yang begitu besar telah dicurahkan bagiku.

Saat aku masih berdosa, Tuhan memanggilku dan menyucikanku.

Dan TUHAN masih tetap KASIH.

Ketika aku kembali terjatuh dalam dosa,

terpuruk, kotor dan hancur,

Tuhan masih memperhatikanku.

Tuhan berusaha menyadarkanku dan memanggilku ke jalan yang benar.

~

Tuhan Yesus, tolong saya…

~
“Ia menyegarkan jiwaku. Ia menuntun aku di jalan yang benar oleh karena nama-Nya.” – Mazmur 23: 3